![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettkaberettI am going to lead, moderately emphatically, with: this is not a recommendation for this book (which in any case I haven't finished). The strapline is "how successful couples turn conflict into connection"; it was published in 2024. As recessional has pointed out to me, some of what's going on is that their target audience is specifically people who are treating each other shittily but don't want to break up/divorce/etc, and do want to learn to do better, but don't have the tools for how.
I, however, am very much coming from a perspective of being much more inclined to push for, if not breakups, the idea that there exists unacceptable behaviour one gets to just nope out over, and also of the tradition of DBT workbooks where there is a heavy emphasis on explicitly acknowledging, out loud, with your words, that the shit you just did is not okay.
All of this having been said, there are two things about this book (so far) that I Must Share.
The first is about a tool the (Schwarz) Gottmans' research group uses. Their research group, for context, is called the Love Lab.
Much of the data and observations about couples in conflict in this book comes from our decades of work in the Love Lab and from other important and groundbreaking observational studies by ourselves and other researchers. But now we are getting even more sophisticated and granular information from the AI we trained with John's emotional coding system, called SPAFF, short for Specific Affect Coding System.
... the second, I say, moving swiftly on, is that a little further on in the book I have encountered a genuinely new-to-me evopsych argument: that because of evolutionary pressures it is men who get Extremely Emotional very quickly, and take a long time to calm back down and reach a point where they can engage rationally again!
... At this point: He's flooded. She's flooded. Both hearts are hammering hard; adrenaline is zinging through their veins. Stan's physiological response has ratcheted up and overwhelmed him even faster than Susan's, and he'll take a lot longer to come down from it.
Here's why: For evolutionary reasons having to do with protecting the tribe and hunting dangerous animals for food, our prehistoric male ancestors gained a survival advantage by being able to quickly mount and sustain an adrenaline-packed response to danger. Those with this rapid response were better able to fight off enemies and hunt for food, and because they were better survivors, their genes were more likely to get passed down and eventually inherited by our men today. That kind of enduring fight-or-flight response might have helped Stan's distant ancestors survive, but it isn't doing him any favors now.
tl;dr for all that I regularly kind of want to throw it across the room there are some amazing moments in this thing. I'm only about halfway through! WHO KNOWS what wonders await me!!!
kareila
silveradeptadrian_turtle, azurelunatic, boxofdelights, cmcmck, conuly, cosmolinguist, elf, finch, firecat, jadelennox, jenett, jjhunter, kaberett, lilysea, oursin, rydra_wong, snowynight, sonia, the_future_modernes, thewayne, umadoshi, vass, the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
meta_warehouse community, little_details, and anyone else I've neglected to mention or who I suspect would rather not be on the list. If you want to know where I get the neat stuff, my reading list has most of it.)
![[staff profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user_staff.png){kind=small}
denise posting in ![[site community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/comm_staff.png){kind=small}
dw_maintenancepauamma posting in dw_devdenise posting in dw_maintenanceRobby has managed to put in a temporary fix for the site errors and things failing to refresh or not showing up where they should! The permanent fix is going to need Mark's experience, and unfortunately -- seriously, this literally never fails -- Mark has been on an international flight all day, because of course he has. (Never. Fails. He and I are not allowed to both take vacation at once.)
The site will work just fine with the temporary fix in place, things just might be a little slow here and there. We'll keep you updated.
denise posting in dw_maintenancekaberettReading. Max Gladstone: I have finished Wicked Problems and am now most of the way through Dead Hand Rule, and have been remembering why it is that I'm feeling so much less fannish about these later books than the earlier ones. ( Read more... )
The library has just delivered unto my auxiliary internet device Fight Right (Julie Schwarz Gottman and John Gottman). I... cannot remember where I saw this recommended, I think in another piece of non-fiction I was reading but I can't remember what, so like... watch this space for how grumpy it makes me, I suppose?
Eating. Everything Has Been Too Warm, but: this week's most adventurous culinary wossname has probably, tragically, been The Protein Powder. Thus far I do not hate it but jury's out on whether it is actually a useful addition to my diet...
Exploring. I have been poking around new routes back from the gym and on my most recent journey found a delightful twisty little path including, among other things, walnuts.
Growing. ... I have watered the plants at home?
No, c'mon, self: the lemongrass is actually thoroughly established and I'm very pleased about it. The aubergines desperately need potting up but are also not dead. The poblano is fruiting merrily on the patio. Some things grow.
Observing. BATS: last night we heard something that might have been a soprano pip social call? Or might have been a noctule? We are not at all sure because we didn't get to hear much of it. But: bat!
kaberettkaberettkareila
kaberettOn my way home from errands this afternoon, I spent a bit of time meandering around some back streets I have not otherwise been terribly well acquainted with. The temperature had dropped enough to be actually fairly pleasant, and also everything smelled of the roses to an extent I am not sure I have ever previously experienced outside of a dedicated rose garden in season.
The ridiculous protein powder (I knoooooooooooow I am being SUCH a stereotype) I ordered has arrived; ( read more... )
Despite sleeping terribly for reasons, I picked things up and put them down again! and some of them were heavier than any things I have ever previously picked up or put down in that fashion! and I failed out of a squat set in the "bailed onto the safeties" sense, and I am feeling pretty good about having thereby unlocked Another Achievement. (Tuesday's Achievement Unlocked was getting diffidently asked by someone if I knew how to adjust a particular piece of equipment, on the basis that I clearly did because I just HAD but she'd not managed to catch the how. This was particularly delightful because the specific thing is the one I fled from in terror when invited to use it in my first gym trip a whole five and a half weeks ago.)
The Child is delightfully excited about getting to see me TWICE next week, both on a day when I am Doing A Babysit and on our normal visit day. ♥
Therapist induced me to identify some potential next steps for handling a Minor Situation that feel actually possible and maybe even constructive.
denise posting in dw_maintenancekaberettReading. I managed a bit more of Neil Shubin's Your Inner Fish before it got autoreturned to the library; I do not regret the outdoor activities I was doing instead of finishing it up but I am also mildly disgruntled that it's likely to be around another month before I get it back from the library. (Yes, it has won me over from my initial grumbles about Intro To Phylogeny.)
I have managed to reread approximately, generously, a chapter and a half of Wicked Problems (Max Gladstone), which I still want to complete before I have another go at Dead Hand Rule, because I absolutely do not have adequate recollection of how WP finished. And yet: my brain it goes eeeeeeeeeenh.
Watching. Apparently it has been a week in which I was willing to do audiovisual processing, and not just on my special interest?
In NOT my special interest news (see also Exploring), I appreciated this very short documentary on the piece of artwork at the centre of the Kerdroya labyrinth.
On Friday I hit the point of going "okay, this is ridiculous, what the hell is going on that I am managing to move that much weight in what is nominally a barbell row", tried to get the internet to tell me how I should expect row vs bench weights to look, and found a Renaissance Periodization video on 11 Barbell Row Mistakes (content note: masturbation jokes in questionable taste). RP are a source that Casey Johnston trusts, and I trust Casey Johnston sufficient to take that rec (though, to be clear, not on all things), so I watched it! And I now think I know some things I'm doing suboptimally and for that matter some things Johnston recommends doing suboptimally or unclearly! So obviously I am impatient to wave a stick around and see how it feels, and I am next scheduled to do this with barbell rows on... Wednesday.
I have three other videos from that sequence open in tabs.
Listening. Tragically we did NOT listen to a bunch of Hidden Almanac on the way down to Cornwall and then back up again, because it would not have been to my mum's taste and we did not wish to ensadden her on the journey.
Playing. Have replayed Tukoni: Prologue on my own machine for the purposes of getting the Steam achievements (incidental to wishlisting the full game as and when it gets released). Also a couple of rounds of Scrabble.
Cooking. Uh. Let's see. There was... quiche? There was a quiche, and also cheese straws. A questionable stirfry that did broadly achieve the goal of delivering protein.
Eating. ASPARAGUS incl purple. Birthday cake. A sampler of commercially available Greek and Greek-style yoghurts. The LENTIL MOUSSAKA of my mother (second portion). Bean burgers also of my mother. ALPINE STRAWBERRIES from the garden!
Exploring. Helston Sports Centre and associated environs (involving BUSES).
Kerdroya!!! We wanted somewhere to stop and eat our Gear Farm pasties on our way back upcountry, due to divers alarums and excursions we wound up on Bodmin Moor at lunchtime (i.e. well behind schedule), so we sat on some grass and watched cows wade in and out of the lake and then while A was eating their Cornetto we went to see how long a walk it was to this labyrinth. WE ARE IN LOVE WITH THIS LABYRINTH. In addition to showcasing the various kinds of rock found around Cornwall and their accompanying styles of hedging we also got to see an excellent variety of foxgloves (white to very deep pink), a thing my mother called "whispering grass" that is not Stipa tenuissima that I am not going to finish looking up properly right now (short, seed heads bow over, fascinating sort of inverted-teardrop-shaped white-to-pink scaled situation?), scarlet pimpernels cascading down the vertical faces, ...
Growing. The at-home plants have not all died while I was away, despite the nightmares about the lemongrass! Indeed the poblano has NEW FRUIT on it!!!
Meanwhile, in Cornwall I Actually Did Some Weeding.
Observing. Goldfinches! Stonechats! Cormorants! Choughs!!! Barn swallows! Cows In Water; many calves and lambs; so so many Excellent Flowers.
The waves.
Goodness it's been an excellent week for spending time quietly outdoors.
kaberett - some good thingskaberett - [books] Fight Right, Julie Schwarz Gottman & James Gottmankareila - all yarn all the timesilveradept - Time continues to move at one second per second... Late May 02026denise in dw_maintenance - (no subject)pauamma in dw_dev - Question thread #151denise in dw_maintenance - (no subject)denise in dw_maintenance - (no subject)kaberett - vital functionskaberett - some things make a postkaberett - some good thingskareila - the new Star Wars moviekaberett - some good thingsdenise in dw_maintenance - Testing needed in advance of code push!kaberett - vital functionsbranchandroot
